(is it the heat that makes them stare so...?)

i dont understand it. i really dont. why do they feel the need to stand less than one foot away from you at all times? i can almost make out what they have had for breakfast their breathe is being expelled so near to my olfactory glands. goddamn! dont they realise that it is much more likely that i will buy something if theyre not falling all over my feet the whole time? it really doesnt help the situation that none of the clothes fit. i mean, none of them. i have only bought 4 tops since ive been here - in XXL. and the heat makes me sweat and bloat, so its even less likely that the clothes will fit when i try them on in the unconditioned fitting rooms. and i swear that they are laughing under thier breath at me when i walk in the store. "we dont have ANYthing thatll fit that chick! ha ha ha!"
yeah...i attempted shopping today...
i think ill go buy some dvds and hole up in my airconditioned room where no one will laugh at me...

more infections?!?

{note to self in order to avoid future embarrassment: its ha noi, not Han Oi...}

just got back from the Franco-Vietnamese hospital where i was told that i have a yeast infection. yes, for all you boys out there who are "eww"ing right now, our bodies do break down sometimes. and apparently mine has been a breeding playground for infections recently...bladder>kidney>yeast>? and the best part is that the antibiotics i am on for my previous infection is what has caused my most recent infection...

had a bit of a breakdown today. this city is getting to me. i knew it would, but i didnt think it would be this soon, or this suddenly. these last couple of days have provided me, for the first time, with time and energy to think about how i am feeling on an emotional and intellectual level. things have really been put into perspective for me. yesterday for the first time since i graduated from NYU i picked up a psychology book. and yesterday for the first time since i graduated from NYU i felt passion again. passion and love and interest and intrigue for this field i feel so strongly for. i miss learning about psychology. i miss talking about it. i miss speculating and learning about it.
i miss the culture that could be found in London and NYU (i only mention those two specifically cause i know them the best...not a jab at fly-over country, i swear). i miss being able to pick up a time out or the village voice and getting out my pen and voraciously circling anything and everything that looked even remotely interesting. usually the book/newspaper would be unreadable when i was done with it due to extensive markings.
and then i come here. where there are no talks, no lectures. v v v little art, only a handful of galleries, all of which contain government-controlled/censored art anyway.
i miss variety of cuisine, i miss corner stores. i miss cars and buses and the subway/underground. i miss clean bathrooms with toilet paper. nay, i miss toilets that actually have a toilet and not just a tiled floor. i miss being cold and wearing thick, woolen sweaters with high necks. i miss feeling cold rain on my face, i miss wearing sneakers. i miss my fireplace in London and i miss snuggling up under a think duvet with the cold air only finding my face to caress. i miss being able to walk down a street and bleeeennnndddd in. i miss knowing where on earth to buy a goddamn pack of playing cards. i miss fixed prices and store owners who dont charge me double because of the color of my skin. i miss my leather sandals that someone stole from my porch. i miss bookstores. period. i miss everything about them. i love bookstores. i could spend hours in one. i miss books that are actually published instead of photocopied on cheap paper, racked with spelling errors. i miss the potential of going out at night and actually meeting people who could become friends. i miss black cabs and yellow cabs and all the safety that came with them. i miss my quiet street in London that didnt contain that guy who yells my name every twenty minutes in the hope of selling someone nuts. i miss post boxes. i miss going into a store and picking up a size s and having it fit. i miss shoe stores that carry shoes larger than a size 36. i miss my legs before they were pockmarked with mosquito bites. i miss my kitchen in London that was devoid of cockroaches and ants. i miss goddamn sidewalks. i miss English television. i miss DVDs that have the correct English subtitles for the film i am watching. i miss knowing where to go when my mobile breaks, and i miss tap water.

sick in saigon

on tuesday night i lay in my oh-so-comfortable hammock up on my oh-so-beautiful rooftop with alison, drinking beers and relaxing in the cool night time air. as i eased myself out of the hammock, however, i felt a slight twinge in my lower back. goddamnit, i thought. ive pulled my back. not suprising, though, seeing as i havent done the slightest bit of exercise, barring one one-hour yoga class, in the last three months. and so i went downstairs to sleep it off before a delicious sushi dinner with al.
the next day it was a little worse. oh well. ill just go get myself a massage after work. why not. and so off i went to the massage parlour, where i pay a wopping $1.80 for a 50 min massage which rivals those i have had at 5-star michilin hotels, and relaxed down onto the massage bed. the room fits about 20 ladies (ladies only), all naked under their towels, and are prodded, pushed, pulled and slapped every which way. its awesome. anyway, so i have my massage and try not to yelp out loud in pain when the massuse sits on my butt and digs her thumbs into my back, right where the pain is. itll feel better after, i tell myself. just relax, itll feel better.
and so thursday morning finds me curled up in my bed, exhausted and in pain. i had slept no more than four hours because of shooting pains in my back. i called in sick to work. by midday i was sweating buckets and shivering in the 90 degree house. my skin was so sensitive that i could barely bare to have the bedsheet on top of me and my back hurt so much i was scared i had ruptured an organ. it was about this time that craig decided i should visit the hospital.
when i was admitted i had a temperature of 39.8C. about 105F, for those of you who still (pitifully) dont know the conversion formula. after much crying (on my part) and cajoling (on craigs part) the nurse stuck an IV into my wrist bone - yes, the wrist bone, not the hand, and let me tell you, its hurts just as much as it sounds like it does. i almost broke craigs hand during the insertion. in any case, once it was in, they gave me all kinds of drugs, including, yes, morphine. holy crap. for those of you who have never tried, sorry, been given, it, well, let me tell you...it almost made up for having the 40C fever...not like the codiene i had a couple nights later...but thats another story altogether...
(the diagnosis: kidney infection caused by a uninary tract infection which i had suffered the previous friday before leaving for the beach...)
and so i was in hospital all day thurs and went back on fri for another IV shot. which meant that i had to keep the needle in my wrist bone for 2 hours. it also meant that when i got back to the hospital, it had moved and was useless and had to be taken out and replaced. i dont even want to talk about it.
anyway, in short, the doctor gave me a quick (and i mean quick) examination, and concluded that my kidney was indeed inflammed (no shit) and that if it was bumped, it could rupture. excuse me? what? rupture? are you f**ing kidding me? nope. no xe oms, no touching, no walking, no working, no nothing. needless to say, i broke down in his office. he just looked at me and said, so youre a teacher. well, youre gonna lose a lot of money by not working. and these doctor bills - jee wiz, theyre gonna cost you an arm and a leg!
i hate that doctor.
and so the next day, craig took me for a second opinion, thank god, and the new, considerate, caring, nice doctor told me that everything the other doctor had told me was essentially crap. kidneys dont rupture unless youre in a severe, repeat, severe, car/motorbike accident, or something on par. he said he knew that doctor personally and would "have a word with him". he also told me that i didnt need to have IV shots indefinately, as dr schmuck had told me, but rather that i could move to oral pills, which would keep the hospital bills down.
i went back today and had an second ultrasound, and there is no more inflammation. i cant work for the rest of the week, but, hey, im not complaining.

well, while we're on the subject of complaining - i just went to buy my return plane ticket from hanoi, and i told the woman that i had lost my ticket for the outgoing flight. guess what she told me? now, if youve ever been to vietnam, i bet you can guess. if you havent, let me tell you. she tole me that regardless of the fact that she had my name on the computer registered for the flight and proof that i had paid for it, and that no one else could use my ticket because they wouldnt have matching id, she couldnt reissue me a ticket. oh no, i had to buy another ticket. i had to buy another one! and the kicker is that the flight that i am on has been full for at least a month now, and yet, now, an hour ago, she was able to sell me a seat. she sold me back my own goddamn seat! what kind of bulls**t is that? she did say, however, that if i went to the vietnam airlines headquarters and filed my claim (well, not in quite so many words cause she barely spoke any english besides "credit card please") that in 6 months, if no one (no one being i dont know who) had found or tried to use my ticket, then they would reimburse me. uh...what kind of moron is going to try to use a ticket after the goddamn flight has already left? hello? 6 months? what are they waiting for? a freaking invitation?
welcome to government-run bulls**t.

so im off work for the next two weeks, actually, cause next week is the vietnamese new year - called Tet, and its MAssive here. absolutely huge. so we're going to han oi and halong bay, which im super excited about. went to the beach last weekend, vung tau. huge sex industry there. quite distubing. al and i tried to convince the boys to take us into one of the bars so we could see what its all about, because we are never privy to any of it...but, alas, they were not too keen on the idea, and, to be quite honest, i dont know if i would have been able to handle what i saw. mui ne is a much nicer beach resort - not seedy at all. we will be going there the weekend after we return from han oi with al and her mom. getting out of the city is important here. like it was in nyc, only about a 100 times more dire...

anyway, i am off now to relax in my bikini in my hammock on my roof in the 90 F weather, while i drink iced tea and wile away the time...hope you are all painfully jealous...hahahahaha ;)

the end is nigh...

in less than 48 hours i will be a fully certified, TEFL - trained english teacher. seriously. i know, i cant believe it either. with a mere 7 hours of actual in-class training, i will be let out into the world, to do what i will with a piece of paper that practically guarantees me a well-paying job anywhere in the world. yes, apparently pigs do fly. right here in saigon. right along side me as i motorbike around the city, my newfound passion/obssession/need quite nicely financing my local drivers' cigarette habit. i drink iced coffee with condensed milk and walk among the cockroaches. this is a city where sidewalks have no place and cars are terrifingly faceless. this is ho chi minhs city and it's buzzing with a thousand life forms. one of them happens to be mine. i still cant quite believe it. i dont even notice things now which a month ago would have made me curl my bourgeois lips up into a grimace - woman picking nits out of other womans hair; cockroaches dancing in the street, around my feet, everywhere; men releasing feces in alleys i frequent; the constantly wet floors in bathrooms; bathrooms with no toilet (read: a tiled floor with a drain in the corner. the irony of it all? its always womans toilets, never mens...), and so on and so on. of course, these are the things i noticed at first because they disgusted me. isnt that always the way, sadly? but now, after almost a month of constant exposure to these so-called disgusting things, i have begun to be able to see the beauty in all of it. beauty in the simplicity. beauty in the unashamedness, beauty in the ugly. i came to saigon to see another side of life. what i am seeing here is not another side, but more the core of it all. there are no pretences here. there is little to no bullshit. there is so superficiality. what there is, although, are people, families, couples, babies, all trying to survive as best as possible. i have never encountered such nice, friendly, warm, welcoming, helpful people in my life. people who give you their last piece of food because you are thier guest. people who take you by the hand and lead you across the street when they see the fear in your face. people who smile and wave at you because you are different, not despite it. people who want to know everything about you (where u from? how old u are? married?) because they are genuinely interested. people who have light shining from thier big, round, dark eyes with such a force that it startles me.
ive come to love saigon. not that i didnt before. i did. but now i feel i can say it with some more conviction - the conviction of love as opposed to lust. the conviction that comes with getting to know a place and lovign it even with all of its faults. nay, loving it because of its faults.
and alison and i signed a 6 month contract for a 5 story house yesterday. its unbelievable, in a really typical vietnamese area. photos to come.
love you all. take care and come visit. its an experience you will never (want to) forget.

motobike!!

so i rode my first motobike last nite, after little cajoling on alisons part. (yes, i wore a helmet...) and it was amazing! thousands of bikes and cars rushing every which way, challanging your every instinct to jump off and cower under a bench. but i must say that being on the back of a bike is, surprisingly, more comforting than being a pedestrian. oddly enough. the bikes never go fast enough for it to be a problem.
we went to a bar last nite that ex pats frequent. it was a surreal experience, one which i do not wish to repeat too soon. sure enough, if youre feeling homesick, you can go there and feel right at home. but since its those types of places that im came here to avoid, it doesnt feel right to go and spend four times the amount on a beer. but i did get to play pool on a gorgeous table, so i suppose it isnt all bad...
going to the market today to buy material to take to the tailors later. sure i will have stories to tell about that. but now i must rush off, as i have developed quite a nice relationship with my toilet...

and so it starts...

my course. today. pretty much what i expected. some interesting people. the classroom has AC luckily, cause the humidity was around the 100% mark today. almost died outside.
had a pretty eye-opening experience last nite. ran into a little boy about 9 yrs old three times in the course of the day. it was bizarre. the last time i saw him he joined us at our table on a sidewalk. he was so starved of affection. he kept holding our hands and hugging us. im still affected by him. his eyes. they held about 50 yrs in them. in his young body.
i dont know. still mulling over it. wish i could be more expressive but im knackered. just wanted to record the experience for what its worth.

Day Two...Here I Come...

So after an absolutely terrifying experience yesterday morning (merely trying to get myself a SIM card) i decided to venture out again this morning, on my own, with the only goal in mind to find an internet cafe and have a cup of coffee. little did i know that i still dont really know my way around. i turned the corner onto the right street, but then, for some reason, recognized nothing and the numbers on the streets were, of course, not in chronological order. and so it goes...
so carrie, being the self-conscious girl she is, couldnt backtrack, since, of course, everyone was staring at her, and so had to walk around in a large circle in order to get back to square one. which was actually quite an experience. i stumbled across a market selling all kinds of food - mostly raw. there were thousands and thousands of people and bikes and women sitting on the ground cutting potatoes and carrots and little kids waving at me and shouting "hello!" as i walked by and men on bikes asking me where they could take me and what was my name, cause once you tell them that, they follow you around endlessly, talking to you. "(insert your name) this", "(insert your name) that". needless to say, i did not tell them my name. the situation with bikes here is out of control. literally, if you were to imagine all the bikes in beijing, amsterdam, nyc, and florence all together, in a one square mile radius, you wouldnt even come close to the amount of chaos here. i cannot believe there are not more accidents. i suppose its because everyone has to go relatively slowly in order to dodge each other. its like a computer game, i guess. anyway, im getting slowly but surely, a little more used to it.
yesterday i went for two amazing meals and walked all around the city with two guys on my course. its an incredible place. absolutley just what it is, no pretense, no bullshit. nothing. its exactly what i was looking for. and now that im here, i feel even more the amount of ingrained superficiality i have in me. i hope that in a month or so, i will be a little more on their wavelength.
my guesthouse is adorable. its owned by a couple who have the most adorable baby. and neither of them speak a word of english. its such an eye-opener to be placed in the position of not being able to communicate, at all. but i start my course tomorrow, and so hopefully will be able to ask the teacher how to say a couple of things. phrasebooks barely help because the pronounciation is what its all about. one word can mean up to five different things, depending on where you put the emphasis. its a nightmare. just when you think you know a word, what does it do? it goes and changes itself on you.
today we are going to do a walking tour of the city, including the reunification palace and the war museum. and i found out that there is an orchard park nearby with something ridiculous like 10,000 orchids. heaven! and the money is great - its about one million dong (yes, dong) to buy anything. reminds me of florence in that way.
and its hot. hot hot hot. about 85 degrees i would say, with about 95% humidity. alison is getting back on tues (yay!) and shes gonna take me to a tailor so i can get some nice, loose, cotton (suitable) clothing.
we aint in kansas nomore, toto.